Holding onto a dream in fantasy football

"My fantasy football roster is filled with no-talents who had all the promise in the world, and now are getting me squat for points!!!"

"Oh ya?!?! Well, my fantasy football team was projected to average 125 points a week and now I'm barely breaking 80!"

"That's nothing...my fantasy football teams scores less than I do with my wife, and she lives in Russia!!!"

Your fantasy football team is dwindling enough to make you start to invent fantasy football Viagra? Your players on your fantasy team are letting you down like D.B. Cooper being trusted on a plane full of money? Ready for some fantasy football intervention?

It happens to the best of us (no pun intended to the previous Viagra comment)...we draft the best fantasy football players, we play the odds, the histories, the points, and week in and week out, we get nada in our leagues.

So, what should I do?

In fantasy football, the biggest worry is over-analysis, along with playing the luck card, and coming to the conclusion Tuesday morning of there being a problem with you. You're holding onto a dream in fantasy football, and I'm here to snap you out of it, you daydreaming, non-point-getting asswipe...no, Ryan Leaf, not you! Here are my steps to isolate the problem, find a solution and get yourself back on track.

Fantasy football wake-up step one: Admit your team has a problem

Yes, you can see there is a player you drafted round five or higher in your fantasy draft that has a consistency issue. Yes, you know you should send his arse to the waiver wire, make him ride that beautiful fantasy football bench and burn all the while.

So, what's the problem? Nothing...except you keep telling yourself, "in the next game, he'll come back!". Forget that! This isn't week one, two or three of the NFL season my friends, we are beginning or coming close to fantasy football playoff weeks. HE is the reason you won't make the playoffs, so HE should be the only reason you need to dump him.

Fantasy football wake-up step two: Trim da' fat!

Cut him! Now! Look, if I would've told you Peyton Hillis (RB - Cleveland Browns - 93.9% owned) would've had this dismal of a fantasy football year after last year's phenomenal performance, you would've said 'nahhhh'. What about if I would've told you last season, if you had jumped on the "Out with Jamaal Charles (RB- Kansas City Chiefs - 43% owned), in with Jackie Battle (RB - Kansas City Chiefs - 65.9% owned), and dumped Hillis while grabbing Battle at week 5 during the Cleveland Browns' bye week, you would have gotten two weeks of 13 points or more (week 7 at the Oakland Raiders and week 9 versus the Miami Dolphins), as well as an average of almost 8 points per week.

"But it's Hillis, how was I supposed to know?!?!?!" Number one, Jamaal Charles went down with a season-ending torn left ACL, so the offense for Kansas City needed to step up in the backfield. Dexter McCluster (RB/PR/KR - Kansas City Chiefs - 19% owned) is a special teamer; while his yards per attempt are high, he was in a passing package that was highlighted by multiple nickel and deep coverage looks from the defense. Thomas Jones (RB - Kansas City Chiefs - 38.3% owned) has an average per carry of 3.0...3 yards per attempt??? THAT does not make a viable fantasy football option, fill-in or not.

Number two, Peyton Hillis has become too trusting of the voices outside of his head to the point that they became the voices in his head. Sitting out week 3 versus the Miami Dolphins is valid when it's for a medical condition that could distract you, and is also contagious. Doing so at the behest of your NFL agent during a contract dispute and renegotiation isn't. Week 4 I was apprehensive and week 5 I was done.

Fantasy football wake-up step three: Find the Cubic zirconia

You don't need a diamond, hell, you don't even need a ring. All we are looking for is a fantasy football option to fix our problematic players.

Philip Rivers (QB - San Diego Chargers - 100% owned) has been a major let-down after his bye week. Will this trend continue??? HAHA, you betcha! The Chargers passing offense scores when good defense + unhealthy rushers exist. Guess what facet of the offense is getting healthy again?!? Pick up Tim Tebow (QB - Denver Broncos - 78% owned). Dumping Rivers is up to you, but Tebow averaging 18 points over his last 4 NFL games compared to Rivers' 14 isn't.

Want to make a grown man cry? Ask the owner in your fantasy football league of Chris Johnson (RB - Tennessee Titans - 100% owned) how he has been doing for him. A 3 yard rushing average, 366 yards on the ground with 1 touchdown? Seriously Chris? And, unlike last year, only 206 yards receiving...blah. If you did some research and pulled the trigger after a disappointing return from the bye week, you could've nabbed Reggie Bush (RB - Miami Dolphins - 97% owned) before he blew up the last two weeks...and Bush's 11 point average over the last three games would still beat out Johnson's 5 per week.

Fantasy football wake-up step four: Moving on

So, you've trimmed the fat, and moved past the worry. You know what else you need to do? Forget about the potential that player could catch fantasy football fire again. That's right my friends, Mike Williams (WR - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 85% owned) might have a 4 touchdown week...and he has shown a history of having a no-touchdown week more often than not.

Fantasy football wake-up step five: WIN!

So, you thought you were playing to win before? Nope. Drop your little man-crushes on your fantasy football team, stop having a bro-mance with your third round pick, and wake the #*$% up people. NFL players on your fantasy football team are there for points. Any more gives you autographs, and any less loses you games. So, look at your weaknesses, give timelines, find replacements and take your chances on players getting points, not on the fantasy football players who are doing less that JaMarcus Russel's dietician.

Later all!